Rated PG-13 for sci-fi disaster action, sensuality and brief language.

150 Minutes

NO STARS!

Directed By: Michael Bay

Written By: Jonathan Hensleigh and J.J. Abrams

The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn’t trust with a potato gun.

Review

There is an Asteroid heading for Earth, what do you do?  Well, NASA calls some honky tonk drillers and shuttles them up there to drill a nuclear bomb into it’s core so it doesn’t destroy Earth.  Yup, that’s it.

Deep Impact came out the same year as Armageddon and I suffered the displeasure of having seen each atrocity in the theatre.  Disaster movies were very prevalent in the late nineties, and at this point as long as stuff blew up and lives were in peril a script seemed acceptable.  It also explains why Micheal Bay was chosen for this movie.  As a fan of his, and producer Jerry Bruckheimer , he was just the wrong choice for this movie.  In fact, having a cast and camera’s was a bad choice for this movie.  The script should by all means still be sitting somewhere gathering dust.  Instead, we have a movie that spends nearly two and half hours stumbling through weak versions ofRen and Stimpy humour wondering if these oil drillers can achieve their goal more soundly than trained professional blower uppers.  They should have just skipped the semantics and sent Micheal Bay directly to the Asteroid.  It would have exploded and the movie would have been over in twenty minutes.  Twenty of course because Micheal Bay would make sure it was a super big and cool special effect!

The acting had no choice but to be bad when a script essentially didn’t even exist.  Bruce Willis as stoic and determined is hardly a stretch.  Ben Affleck as carefree and whimsical is obviously not a stretch, and Liv Tyler as annoying, not a stretch.  Even the only saving grace in the realm of comedy and some form of entertainment was SteveBuscemi who played a weirdo, just like he always does.  The only semi-remarkable part of it, was the comic relief of Steve Buscemi.  Next to the other living dead he was inter-connecting with the audience and he seemed to be the only one with flowing blood and the ability to think.  In fact, he even cracked the occasional funny joke.  All of the character’s were so banal the actors had nothing to work with, and none of them seemed to really rise above the writing.

It saddens me to think that J.J. Abrams had anything to do with this movie.  Yeah, I might like a lot of Michael Bay movies, but you know with a guy who makes movies like that there are going to be some awesomely bad movies, excellent action flicks, and then of course pieces of garbage like Armageddon, but I’ve always found J.J. Abrams to be creative, thoughtful, and especially character driven in his creations.  I think I’ll give him on mulligan on this one because he has been so brilliant since.

I absolutely detest this poor excuse for a film.  If you want to see a good Astronaut movie go see Apollo 13 or The Right Stuff.  If you want to waste two and a half hours of your time and lose I.Q. points for having seen it, please, I implore you…..Armageddon and it’s melodramatic title is your cup of tea.  The only redeeming thing about this film was the Areosmith song and that’s because it was at the end of the movie.  What a waste of explosives.  No stars available to give.  Micheal Bay blew them all up with an Asteroid the size of Texas.

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